| Jan 2016
Mommyness

Walk a mile in my Spanx.

I recently went for my yearly physical and here’s the conversation I had with my doctor:

Me: “I’ve gained about 10 pounds over the last year and I’m tired all the time.”
Doctor: “Well, this is common of a woman of your age.”

A WOMAN OF MY AGE.
MY AGE???
In reality, I’m 39. But I admit, I sometimes forget I’m not 24.
I’m a mother of two which means I’m responsible for keeping other humans alive. I have to make rules like “We don’t lick other people’s hair” and enforce things like “bedtime.” It’s such a drag sometimes.

So as a WOMAN OF MY AGE — I wake up in the morning ready to fight the scale like a ninja: egg whites, whole wheat whatever, and YES I’ll have a salad for lunch. By the end of the day, I have a glass of wine and somehow my brain tells me — “your body needs healthy fats. Let’s order french fries.”
This brings me to the topic of this blog: Spanx. Or “body shapewear” or “what I need to wear to fit into my clothing.” Realizing this ten pounds may take a decade to shed, I’ve invested in some slimming undergarments to held deceive my old clothes into zipping.

(*important to note: My children never hear me say the words “diet” or “fat” They know mommy is trying to feel better, and is therefore eating better.)

Penn, sweet Penn. My darling, clueless husband. We shared a suitcase on a trip recently. He pulled out my Spanx when reaching for his t-shirt. He was puzzled, “What is this? Is it an old-timey bathing suit?”

I said, “No, honey. No. Just. No.”
He stood in a trance outside of the bathroom door as I grunted and yanked this “magic” “slimming” shapewear above my waist. He couldn’t believe I would spend an evening in a constant state of discomfort, just to appear slimmer. “You’re perfect! This is insane.” Were his exact words.
Still, I walked out the door (unable to take complete breaths) feeling fabulously trim.

Fast forward to the following weekend. Our dear friends Page and Jake come for a visit. Jake is such a good sport. I wanted to shoot a series of videos showing men taking part in activities traditionally experienced by women. Jake and Penn went to a Pure Barre class and got a blow out. Then Penn went solo for a bikini wax and he even experienced simulated labor pains.
This time. I wanted Penn and Jake to feel our pain. I wanted them to experience an evening in Spanx.
Could they even get them on? (I think I was too generous and bought a size too large). Could they pee?
Check out the video we put together?

What do you think? Shapewear or let it all out?

  • ChetnCharlene Conrad

    Awesome! This should be mandatory for gents who make “poor word choices” about their ladie’s silhouette.

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The Holderness family has been dancing in pajamas and singing during snow days for years — but last year they hit the record button on the camera and published their goofy video on YouTube. Penn, Kim, Lola, and Penn Charles continue to make hilarious videos around tent-pole events and circumstances most families face.