| Feb 2015
Man Cave

Farts. Lots and lots of farts.

I am farting a lot.

A lot.

And so are my kids.  They are pretty psyched about it.  There is nothing better for a kid than farting at a quiet dinner table or sitting on a couch next to your parents.  Lola even goes as far as to try and waft the smell from her butt to my nose by cupping her hand, and moving it violently from her butt to my nose, while laughing uncontrollably.  I seriously love my daughter so much.

This new phenomenon appears to be coinciding with my wife’s new Lenten mission – to go 40 days with no processed food… the explanation and inspiration can be found here.   She didn’t ask me to do it, she just said she was doing it, and that she would be cooking food that supports it.  I am still trying to figure out if her indifference to my participation was a reverse psychology stroke of genius, or if she really didn’t give a crap.  But for me, it seemed like a cool challenge.  Plus I am doing this Crossfit Open thing starting today so I want to be healthy so I can finish 5,239,694th in the world (Did I mention I did CrossFit? I do CrossFit.  CROSSFIT!!! BWRAAAH!!!) After one day of eating as much bread and fried food as possible, I told her I’d like to join her.

OK, back to the farting… I googled it.  NPR had a nice explanation (click here).  The wind is one of the 5 immediate side effects of a “Real Food Diet” I’ve already noticed.

Here they are (I’m sure the list will change as the days go on)

  1. Farting (see above)
  2. Dishes – Holy crap.  Processed food is bad for you, I get that now.  Ingredients with 16 syllables are straining on your body.  But that means we end up doing a lot of the processing ourselves, with blenders, impossible-to-clean dicers, cutting boards of all sizes, about 5 different knives, and lots of big dishes that dont fit in the dishwasher.  Here’s a pic Kim took of Saturday’s one course dinner:


    Holy moly we make a huge mess!

3. You start tasting the difference immediately – this is nuts – we took the kids to a movie, Kim insisting on popping, and smuggling, our own popcorn in, because otherwise, ya know, game over.  She popped organic corn with coconut oil and Sea Salt.  Kim is a rule follower so we bought their bag of popcorn — dumped it out and replaced it with ours — We decided to order their popcorn then dump it out in ours, so we were at least paying for something and not feeling like criminals.  I ate a lot of our popcorn, then I accidentally took a bite of the movie popcorn leftover. It was unreal.  The top of my mouth started itching, immediately.  I tasted something really weird, not butter, not salt, almost… METAL.  The taste stuck in my mouth until I had two glasses of water.  Amazing how you don’t realize how gross something processed is until you try it right after eating its natural counterpart.  I don’t know if I will ever eat movie popcorn again.

OK… That’s a lie.  I totally will.

4.   My Acid Reflux is getting better – Combine stress, long work hours, beer, midnight snacks, and eating whatever is in front of you, and I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I take a Zantac pretty much every day.  But here’s the thing – I am still doing all of the above, except no more beer (unless it’s craft with all natural ingredients), and cutting the processed food out.  More than a week later and no pill.  Could that be the reason for the Reflux? Stay tuned.

5. It’s still a lot of the food I like!! – out of the gate, first two nights – Meatballs and Pasta.  Pork Tacos. Boom.  Granted, the “pasta” was string zucchini and the Taco Shells were Cabbage bowls – but it was still delicious.

I will end with this – my wife is awesome for doing this and sharing it with our family.  It’s a huge time undertaking, and she is shouldering a huge percentage of that.  Some day soon we will write about the effect it is having on our kids, which is already pretty incredible.

But for now we will all just keep farting.  And Giggling.  And wafting.

  • Holley

    We are right there with you! Cutting out processed foods is difficult and we aren’t 100%, but it’s better than it was. And yes, excess flatulence is a side effect, albeit a funny one. We went out to dinner one night, a rare occurrence, and noticed just how much salt is used in restaurant foods. It was scary. We couldn’t finish our meal without downing four glasses of tea each and don’t even get me started on portion size. Kudos to your family for trying to be healthy!

  • Kim

    Glad my husband and daughter are not the only ones who find excess GAS, is hilarious. LOL. Your family is so funny! Keep up the good work!

    • Christine

      My husband will be reading this as soon as he gets home!!! We can so relate, my pile of dishes is huge!!! My husband also found his reflux going away within one week!! Also notices real foods taste better, fruit for example, when you stop eating the crap.

      • http://theholdernessfamily.com pennternet

        it’s crazy, huh? we are loving this — though tonight I don’t feel like making dinner and I have no choice.

  • Ryan

    AWESOME! The humor mixed with helpful facts is wonderful. Keep up the good work…and farting, I guess.

  • Beth

    I think it is awesome! I am super impressed. I totally believe that clean eating is the answer to so many health problems, but I find myself WAY TOO LAZY to try it! I am living vicariously through you guys. Oh, and at 41 yrs old I still think that farts are the funniest thing in the world!

    • http://theholdernessfamily.com pennternet

      farts are the best!

  • Teri McNab

    Enjoyed reading your clean eating post. We have been doing that at our house since Jan 1. Our flatulence research data concurs with yours and my husband definitely noticed a big uptick in dirty dishes too. Good luck and Wahoowa ( since you are a fellow UVA grad. I’m a ’94 med school grad and ’97 residency.)!

    • http://theholdernessfamily.com pennternet

      It’s a game changer. We feel so much better already.

  • http://www.laguardiacross.com La Guardia Cross

    This post gave me the best kind of brain fart!

    I need to ride this wave of healthy gas into better eating choices. I’ve attempted mildly cutting out processed foods this week, but I want to gradually integrate it into everything I do.

    Thank you.

    • http://theholdernessfamily.com pennternet

      brain farts! yay!

  • Jennifer

    Would love to see the recipe for the cabbage bowls he was talking about.

    • http://theholdernessfamily.com pennternet

      will do!

  • Amanda

    The Beaba, Vitamix, and Spirilizer. Whoa. Serious cooking going down. Your dishwasher is going to have a workout. Awesome kitchen mess! I bet it was a great meal. 🙂 You should check out Laura at Sidesaddle Kitchen/Vegan Raw Not Gross. You guys have similar humor. 🙂

    • http://theholdernessfamily.com pennternet

      Thanks for the recommendation!

  • Tonia Seidl

    Hi To You All!
    You guys are great! To ease your pain, may I recommend soaking all grains for 8 to 12 hours. Check out the book by Amy Chaplin, she explains a bit about the toots. I have been a veg head for over 5 years. This book was given to me for a gift this past Christmas, and that is what it was….our bellys are feeling better!
    Good luck, you guys are awesome. Snow day yesterday thank you Chardonnay!

  • KC

    I used to think farting was disgusting, then I had a boy… and a girl, and another boy, aaannd another girl. Now I don’t think it is as hilarious as some but it is innocent fun and no one has died yet. Smells like death sometimes but no true deaths.

  • Tim

    I discovered this back in high school that you can actually “catch” a fart and carry it. Try farting into your hand and then close it right away and yhen open your hand in front of ?’s nose to release it.. It really stinks!

    • http://theholdernessfamily.com pennternet

      Please don’t ever tell my children this.

  • http://www.google.com KN

    google “cup o soup”.
    the clean version. lol

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The Holderness family has been dancing in pajamas and singing during snow days for years — but last year they hit the record button on the camera and published their goofy video on YouTube. Penn, Kim, Lola, and Penn Charles continue to make hilarious videos around tent-pole events and circumstances most families face.