Our biggest fights happen in December. There’s something about the crush of the holiday madness mixed with hectic work and parenting schedules that creates at least one massive blowout during the season. Even if there isn’t a screaming match across the living room – we’ve been guilty of those snippy conversations that never make you feel good. It’s our belief that these seasonal fights are caused by our faulty “secret contracts”.
When we wrote our book,Everybody Fights, we dedicatedan entire chapter to the idea of secret contracts and how they develop in a relationship. In the chapter we titled, “I Do Everything and You do Nothing,” we talked about how secret contracts develop in a relationship.
From page 68: “Secret contracts are the silent deals you make with your partner by default and through routine. They are the tasks we take on and identities we assume with an invisible handshake at the start of a relationship that we continue till death do us part – or until something happens that reveals the contact needs to be redlined.
When you first got together with your partner, each of you probably took in different responsibilities. You started chopping the vegetables; your partner started writing the grocery list. You started mowing the lawn; your partner knows who your internet provider is. You fell into these slots without thinking about it, and you never left.”
Not all secret contracts are bad. In fact, they help keep our house moving. I cook, Penn cleans. I plan ahead to make sure dog food is getting delivered, Penn breaks down the massive box it comes in. This system works – until it doesn’t.
This week’s podcast was a doozy. We opened up with each other (and you) with a real-time marriage workshop where we discussed what we’re calling our Holiday Marriage Contract. Hopefully, by identifying what we need during this month we will avoid our annual December explosive argument.
Mature People Ask For What They Want
In our conversation, we talk about the things that make the holidays special for us and the things that bring on extra stress.One phrase we have learned through marriage counseling is that mature people ask for what they want, so that’s exactly what we did.Be prepared, because we were very open and honest in our feelings with each other.
By the end of our talk, we had made a list of action items for things we are both going to work on this month for each other. We are going to print this list and put it on our refrigerator.
Our contract includes things like:
Have a sit down talk this week to discuss Christmas shopping lists and budgets
Show as much gratitude and love to each other as we do acquaintances
Plan out recreational activities in advance so there are no surprises to an already busy schedule
I know everyone’s situation is different, and yours may look completely different than ours. But we hope that, in some small way, our real-time marriage talk can be an encouragement to you during this time of year. We are grateful for you.
You can listen to our conversation at any of the links below:
