If you’d told me in my 20s that friendship in my 40s would require the same courage as walking into a cafeteria on the first day of high school, I wouldn’t have believed you. Yet here we are — grown adults with mortgages, teenagers, and a preferred probiotic — trying to figure out how to make friends again.
On this week’s episode of the podcast, a listener asked a question that hit me in the gut:
“How do I make friends in my 40s? I’m new to town, my kids are grown, and I don’t know where to start.”
Ohhh, friend. I have been there. When my kids were younger, it was easier to meet parents at school events and extracurriculars. Now that they are getting older, making new friends is hard. Here are 4 tips I have to help:
1. Say YES (Even When You’d Rather Stay Home)
When someone invites you to something — dinner, pickleball, a weird crafting night — GO! Even when you don’t feel like it. Even when you only know no one.
My friend Hilary is the queen of friendship-making. She will see something on Facebook — “Beginner Mahjong at a random restaurant!” — and she just shows up. She knows no one and she leaves with phone numbers.
2. Make Sure To Follow up
This was the game-changer for me (and honestly sometimes it’s the hardest step.) Back to my friend, Hilary… After meeting someone, she doesn’t wait for things to magically evolve into friendship. She texts them. She calls them. That’s what turns acquaintances into actual friendships.
My entire friend strategy now is basically: WWHD — What Would Hilary Do?
3. Schedule The Time
I am exhausted at the end of the day. The couch calls to me. Sometimes I really don’t want to go to another activity or meet up with a friend, but I am always glad that I did. I had to start treating friend time the way I treat the gym — I book it and then I go, feelings or not. A good starter goal would be:
1 social thing a week (walk, coffee, class)
1 monthly “group thing” (mahjong, book club, dinner)
1 “check-in” text a week to someone you want to keep close
It doesn’t take much — just consistency.
4. Bonus – Going Alone Is Fun!
In the podcast, our producer Sam reminded me that when you go to a new class or meetup by yourself, no one there knows you. And that’s freeing!
If you’re an introvert, you can try to be more extroverted for an hour. If you hate it, you can leave whenever you want and you never have to go again.
Time For A Laugh
Making friends in your 40s is just one part of this week’s show. In the rest of the episode, Penn and I go on a wild tangent about aliens and the 3I/ATLAS comet, talk about gaining weight in weird places, and I beg the internet to please de-influence me on some new wellness hacks. We also answer questions about keeping your marriage steady and relive our Presidential Fitness trauma.
Know that if you’ve been craving friendship or community, you are not alone. And just in case no one has said this recently: You are worth knowing. You are worth the follow-up text. You are not too old to make new friends. (We’re figuring it out, too.)
