Over the past couple years, the phrase “setting boundaries” has been extremely popular. To me, it always felt like a list of absolutes. Walls you put up to protect yourself and supposedly, lead to a happier life. But to be honest, I feel like I’ve been doing it wrong and I can feel guilty setting boundaries.
What if boundaries aren’t meant to keep people out, but rather keep people in?
How To Set Boundaries
On a recent podcast, we had Dr. Abby Medcalf joined us to talk about how to set boundaries, what they mean, and suggestions on keeping relationships healthy with those you love. She explained that boundaries are actually a practice in kindness and you can set them in a loving way. Setting boundaries comes from a loving detachment, not from frustration or anger. It is also important to know your response ahead of time if your boundary is trampled. Instead of thinking of consequences, think of responses.
Remember when I said I feel guilty setting boundaries? Well, apparently that’s another thing that can be problematic. According to Dr. Abby, your subconscious processes faster than your conscious brain. Therefore, what you say vs. the energy you have when you say it are two different things. If you are apologetic in setting them, they aren’t going to stick.
Remember Not To “SAC”
A good communication tip from our discussion was remembering not to “SAC” – don’t offer Suggestions, give Advice, or Criticize. A great way to keep inside someone’s boundaries is to be genuinely curious and ask questions. (We actually talked a lot about this in our book, but I never thought of those things as boundaries!)
It was a great conversation where we learned some good tips (especially how to defuse blanket statements and get out of topics you don’t want to discuss.) Listen to the podcast below and tell us what you learned about how to set boundaries!
