Curiosity Helps Couples

A couple of years ago, Penn and I took a long walk. It lasted about two hours, and I asked him all sorts of questions. But I began to notice something strange: He was doing a great job listening (which is a feat for someone with Penn’s brand of ADHD) but he didn’t ask me a SINGLE question in return. Near the end of the walk, I said, “Do you know you haven’t asked me a single question?” Penn was surprised. He was so proud of his listening that he didn’t realize he should be advancing the conversation by getting curious. 

When we were dating, we would stay up all night and talk on the phone. We asked each other all sorts of interesting questions. We were really curious about each other. Fast forward twenty-something years later, we don’t really do that anymore. Between kids, work, and the stress of life, we don’t take the time. We don’t get curious about our partners when we should be. 

Make A Better Marriage

This week, we invited Casey and Meygan Caston on the podcast to talk about their book 365 Connecting Questions for Couples. The book has over 500 questions for couples to help reconnect on a deeper level. After a rocky start to their own marriage, the Castons used practical tools to heal their relationship including questions that became this book. “If you want to make a better marriage, it starts by making a better you,” explains Meygan. She explains that you can wait for your spouse to initiate something or you can take control. 

One of their favorite questions from the book is “Do you tend to be more of a verbal or internal processor?” They like it because it tends to lead to a bigger, more nuanced conversation. In our discussion, Penn and I realized we process differently in different situations. We may verbally process at work, but we tend to internally process in our personal lives.

Looking To The Future

After our discussion, Penn and I answered a few of the book’s questions together. One of them was what sort of grandparents we would be (a question we’ve actually talked about before!) If we are lucky enough to be grandparents, we envision ourselves being the fun ones. The ones who sneak you some candy and show up to youth sports games. Just don’t ask me to put down a sleeping baby. That baby will be sleeping on me as long as they want. (More on that in the episode!)

It’s challenging to come up with creative questions on your own to connect with your partner. But if you have a goal to grow closer with your partner in the new year, this is a great idea. Listen to the episode and tell us what questions were your favorite!