I take my role as a parent very seriously. I try to teach my kids life skills, I want to teach them how to be good citizens, and very importantly, I’m trying to expose my kids to the classics. On movie night, we often cue up the favorites of my childhood. But do you ever watch old movies and think, “What would happen if they were set in the modern day?”
Most likely, they would all be a lot shorter. Let’s dive into the most popular movies of the 80s.
Home Alone
This is an easy first pick. You realize you forgot your kid at home and have no way to get ahold of him as your plane takes off for France. Well, this is a quick fix in 3 easy steps:
Buy wifi from the airline
Put your kid on a group text with your trusted friends in the neighborhood
Send him your DoorDash login
Sixteen Candles
This whole movie is based on a family forgetting their 16-year-old’s birthday. Put your kid’s birthdays on your phone calendars and set an alert, people! Plus, we could have avoided all the awful stereotypes and racism throughout the rest of the movie.
E.T.
Okay, I’m not 100% sure we have the technology yet to call an alien’s home planet. But still, we probably could have seen it on the Webb telescope and learned a whole bunch more about E.T.’s origins.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Your kid is supposed to be sick at home but really he’s running all over the city? Here are just a few of the ways he wouldn’t have gotten away with it:
Ring camera in the house
Alert when the garage door opens
“Find My Friends” app on iPhone
Honey, I Shrunk The Kids
Can’t find your kids because you accidentally shrunk them with your ray gun? Ping your teen’s Apple Watch and quickly grab them before they go out with the trash.
Adventures In Babysitting
If Brenda had just used Uber to get home from the bus station, we would not have Chris Parker getting a flat tire, getting shot at, or getting in a knife fight with two children in her car.
The Goonies
The first question is: why there is a treasure map in the attic of a suburban home in Oregon? Second, why does a kid think he can pay off all his dad’s bills by adventuring in an underground cave? Third, have they heard of GoFundMe?
When Harry Met Sally
Two attractive and eligible singles who live in the same neighborhood in New York City? We think these two would have matched on eHarmony, Match.com, and probably Tinder as well. Who needs friendship when every dating app says they are meant to be?
Clue
If I got invited to a secluded mansion with a bunch of strangers, I’m immediately pulling my phone out to see what friends we have in common on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram. I think the invention of the Internet ruins all blackmail possibilities that keep this movie together.
Better Off Dead
Can’t Lane Myers’ Mom or Dad just Venmo Johnny Gasparini the two dollars for the newspaper?
I know we are just scratching the surface of movies from the 80s that iPhones would have solved. How would John Hughes have made any money? What movies did we miss?
