Hi Friends! Penn here.

My wife is on a much-deserved girl’s trip. Pro Tip: Encourage your wife to go on as many girl’s trips as possible. That way, you can go on more boy’s trips. You’re welcome. Upon returning home, one of her favorite activities is going through the “Previously Watched” tab on our streaming service and seeing the abject garbage that I watch while she is gone.

You see, when the two of us are co-watching, we watch a diverse array of classy stuff, like Severance, The Gilded Age, and Shrinking (all amazing btw). When she is gone, however, I watch one genre of movie and one genre only:

Trashy Disaster Movies Where They Have to Assemble the Best in Their Field to Save the World, and Oscar-Worthy Actors Suspend Their High Standards for Massive Paychecks.

Any time the world is at risk you absolutely MUST assemble the best in their field, otherwise we are all doomed. It is the only viable way to save the world.

My Very Official Rating System

I have noticed that there is no rating system for these wonderfully over-the-top movies. I’d rank them using this criteria: assigning a 1-10 rating for each category, with a max of 60 points.

Oscar-Worthy Actors: It’s amazing seeing so many talented people doing ridiculous things in front of a green screen. It’s how they can afford to do Million Dollar Baby.
Scariness of the Disaster: Exactly how hosed are we as a planet?
Blatant Disregard for Basic Physics: I really enjoy when they throw all scientific laws out the window in a billion-dollar movie
Assemble the Best in their Fieldedness: How much assembling are they doing?
Suspension of Disbelief: Did this movie succeed in actually getting me emotionally invested in a ridiculous concept?
Comic Relief: Laughter helps counterbalance the, you know, impending death of everyone.

I am going to rate 3 of my favorite Trashy Disaster Movies, but that’s just where the fun starts! In the comments, submit your own TDM Rating, or suggest another TDM for me to rate!

DISCLAIMER: This is a Trashy Movie Rating! My favorite Disaster Movie of all time, Interstellar, would not rate that highly in this system because it adheres to theoretical physics and is generally very serious and free of humor. But I also don’t watch great movies like Interstellar when Kim is out of town. I watch trashy movies.

Armageddon

Oscar-Worthy Actors – 6/10

Armageddon actually WON three Oscars for effects and editing! Bruce Willis never got a nomination, but Affleck has two non-acting Oscars. Billy Bob Thornton got two acting nominations for Sling Blade and A Simple Plan. Somehow, Steve Buscemi never got nominated!

Scariness of the Disaster – 10/10

As Billy Bob said: “It’s the size of Texas, Mr. President. It’s what we call a Global Killer. Nothing will survive, not even bacteria.” Mic Drop.

Blatant Disregard for Basic Physics – 7/10

My favorite disregard in this movie is the concept of time. They have 2 weeks to stop the asteroid. In the 48 hours it takes Harry to get to NASA, his team has scattered all around the country. Also in those 48 hours, A.J. has already bought his own oil rig (HOW?). Then, that gives them 12 days once they get there to pass a battery of tests, learn how to be astronauts (It takes astronauts 10 years to become astronauts), rebuild all of the drills, and operate about 4 different types of machinery. Then they had to blast off to the asteroid and drill a hole 800 feet deep in it. They also had time to take a night off and go to a nightclub, AJ Bought a wedding ring and Will Patton flew to wherever his son was and gave him a toy. There are plenty of other disregardings in the movie, like putting winglets on a spacecraft when there is no air. But Time was the best one.

Assemble-the-Best-In-Their-Fieldedness – 8/10

Really solid montage explaining why the crew are all needed. From Caesars Palace to a tattoo parlor, to a New Orleans Bar, to a Horse Ranch, the Feds in Sunglasses did their job.

Suspension of Disbelief – 10/10

Despite all of the ridiculousness above, I get choked up every time Harry throws AJ in the elevator. EVERY TIME. This is where Armageddon shines. This movie is Michael Bay’s Mona Lisa.

Comic Relief – 9/10

Really strong comedy, especially from Buscemi, who goes completely insane and reverts to Dr. Strangelove, and Owen Wilson in this clip that I quote all the time.

TDM RATING FOR ARMAGEDDON: 50

The Core

Oscar-Worthy Actors – 10/10

Good Lord! Are you kidding me? Hillary Swank (2 Oscars), Richard Jenkins (2 Nominations), Stanley Tucci (1 nomination), Delroy Lindo (been snubbed a bunch), and Alfre Woodard (4 Emmys, a Golden Globe and 2 Grammys) all said YES TO THIS?

Scariness of the Disaster – 2/10

This is the Core’s Achilles heel. The earth’s core stops spinning. The effects are electromagnetic storms and extreme heat in spots, but the actual disaster is kind of MEH.

Blatant Disregard for Actual Physics – 9/10

Where do I start? Well, how about this? The earth’s core ACTUALLY STOPPED SPINNING AND CHANGED DIRECTION in the last 15 years.

And, like, none of the stuff in the movie happened. We were totally fine. Also, they invented a new molecule called Unobtanium that apparently can withstand any amount of pressure (Sidenote: Shame on you, Avatar, for stealing Unobtanium from The Core. Shame.)

Assemble-the-Best-In-Their-Fieldedness – 11/10

I know, I am going way over the top by giving this an 11. You know what else is way over the top? THE CORE. I’m watching this movie thinking, “Wow they are really assembling well here! Two astronauts, a college professor, a half-crazy engineer who lives in the desert and an egomaniacal public speaker.” And then they all sit down for the first time and Aaron Eckhart literally says “You’ve all been brought here because you are the best in your field.” YES!!!! That is some amazing self-awareness of predictable movie tropes. Bravo.

Suspension of Disbelief – 7/10

After all the dead birds, lava caves, diamonds, underground earthquakes, Golden Gate bridge disasters, and whales, I felt pretty happy when some of them made it home alive.

Comic Relief – 2/10

Rat was supposed to be the comic relief; he had a couple of references to Hot Pockets and Xena episodes, but for the most part very little laughter. If you are going to make a Trashy Disaster Movie, you need to be able to laugh at yourself a tad, and in the end, The Core took itself a little too seriously.

TDM RATING FOR THE CORE: 41

And finally,

Moonfall

Oscar-Worthy Actors – 5/10

Halle Berry is a national treasure and accounts for most of these points, and Patrick Wilson is crazy underrated (If you haven’t seen Angels in America, it is amazing, but not at all trashy). John Bradley is a rising star.

Scariness of the Disaster – 10/10

So the title says it all. The Moon is falling. Toward us. Also it appears to be full of nanobot aliens.

Blatant Disregard for Actual Physics – 10/10

This is a masterpiece of ridiculousness. At one point the moon is so close that it starts sucking people on Earth towards it, which would never happen, since the moon is smaller than the Earth. Also at one point a boy is “falling upward” toward the moon and is saved when someone drags him into a barn and closes the door, like the barn is going to erase the forces of gravity… I think the producers just watched Twister and were like, “Okay, same same!”

Assemble-the-Best-In-Their-Fieldedness – 2/10

Basically, everyone was already at NASA except for John Bradley, who was a crackpot Moon Conspiracy theorist. They could have done more assembling

Suspension of Disbelief – 2/10

It was just too ridiculous. Very hard to care about these people when the Chrysler Building almost falls on our main characters while they are in the Rockies.